Top twelve things not to say to a police officer:
(1)I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
(2)Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
(3)Aren't you the guy from the village people?
(4)You must have been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
(5)Are you Andy or Barney?
(6) thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
(7)Your not going to check the truck... are you?
(8)I pay your salary!
(9)Ge officer thats terricic. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
(10)Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.
(11)I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
(12)When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, How many doughnuts have you have today?"

sorry this one is bad but, Funny
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:
(10)Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
(9)Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
(8)See if they could finally do a split.
(7)Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
(6)Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes
(5)Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
(4)Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
(3)Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
(2)Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the number 1 thing a man would do is:
(1)Finally find that damn G-spot.

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:
(10)Get ahead faster in corporate America.
(9)Get a blow job.
(8)Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
(7)Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
(6)Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
(5)Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
(4)Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
(3)Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
(2)Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the number 1 thing a woman would do is:
(1)Repeat # 9.

Farmer and State Trooper
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as
he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer
says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called
circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you
trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Rules for driving in Pennsylvania.
1.Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Pennsylvania
driver never uses them.
2.Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody
else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3.The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
4.Never ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects
it and it will result in you being rear ended.
5.Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Pennsylvania is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't
have anything to lose.
6.Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a nice chance to
stretch your legs.
7.Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
8.Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
are apparently not enforceable in Pennsylvania during rush hour.
9.Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a Pennsylvania driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10.Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.
11.Learn to swerve abruptly. Pennsylvania is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department which puts
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12.It is traditional in Pennsylvania to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
13.Remember that the goal of every Pennsylvania driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.
14.In the Pennsylvania area, flipping someone the bird is considered a polite PA salute. This gesture should always be returned.

5 Things that only a woman driver can do.

more to come soon, got one? want it posted? send it to me at airdevil85@yahoo.com I'll post it for you