The Lamborghini works only at dinner parties. Tell someone you have one and in minutes you'll be having sex over a bed of crisp Romaine lettuce and a bottle of French wine you can't pronounce. But as dependable transportation for actually getting about around town, it is as much use as your granny's droopy stockings. Unfortunately while I don't much live in a make-believe world, I do drive a make-believe car. Small, nimble, and about as attractive as Andy Rooney's chin, my little Focus is a man's car; and I love it. I call him Attila because he's "hun" to drive.

I bought him in 2006. Originally it was supposed to be a "sensible" replacement for a classic 2-seat roadster that wouldn't carry the anklebiters, I quickly fell in love with it. Then the modding bug bit. Its still the daily driver, quite functional at that, but its been on the track a few times as well. Not only is the sight of an agressive car that can't perform at all only slightly more disturbing than an all-Amish bachelor party, its certainly no placebo for the real deal.

Just like a midget standing next to the urinal, some days its everything I can do just to keep on my toes...particularly when taking care of my Fofo (particularly when that Fofo happens to be the man-wagon periodically when I have to cart the anklebiters around). No, I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. Still you'd swear the poor Focus was dying thanks to the wimpy wounded animal-like bellowing, teary-eyed face, with of course my arms held aloft on the top of my forehead like a triumphant boxer waiting for Daddy to make it all better when it gets filthy...so even though its a daily driver; I try to keep it clean.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, here in these United States, we often find ourselves caught up in a frenzied cult of minty frappuccino, rising gas prices, and fueled by the nefarious urge to hump anything that looks good in a pair of European headlights. Too often are we caught up in the "OMFG, she wore WHAT?!" feeds, who drove what, and will this eco-friendly cell phone make me look fat? To all these questions I would say not to worry about it, with the possible exception of the humping anything that looks good in a pair of German-made headlights; in which case bear in mind that they do shatter easily easily if your not careful or don't use some sort of protection when humping your car...

Yep. I outfitted my car with some genuine ST170 headlights direct from Germany. Add in the Hofele grill (also from Deutschland), and its pure sex on the nose.

Of course its come a long way since I've got it, but even stock (and snowed in), it looked great!

...but I think we can all agree it looks better modded to the hilt:

Is that a short shift or what? Its practically a Miata shifter! Even inside, I've replace the center bezel, HVAC, and knobs to more closely resemble its European counterpart. Its almost a "reverse SVT" look..and the results are stunning.

Under the hood, Attila is more or less stock. Why mess with perfection, particularly when he's still my daily driver, right? Naturally I powdercoated the valve cover and painted a few things here and there to make it pop, added a K&N drop-in, and painted in 1200° black. Perfection!

Another shot showcasing both the mill and the ST170s:

Nevermind the fact that driving down Tulsa's roads is basically the same as getting a shiatsu massage from a rhinoceros with Parkinson's thanks to all the bumps and bone-jarring bumps, the short commute to work is also more or less the same as trying to sneak through a prison shower naked, no matter how hard you try to avoid the bad spots; your still going to get pounded. After hitting a big rock recently (trying to avoid a pothole, no less), Attila had a bit of downtime, and yet...he STILL looked great!

From this angle you can see not only the stamped Ford Racing tuner rims, but also the SAP defuser mounted on the rear. Thats one sexy ass! Naturally its lowered thanks to the Saleen suspension kit I picked up last year. Almost makes you want to stick your nose inbetween my cars headlights and make motorboat noises!

Thankfully Attila isn't all business. Some friends of mine in town also drive the SVTF. What do you do when you've got a sexy car and friends drive the same? Naturally you get together and take centerfold pictures!

Sometimes just a few show up, sometimes more Foci than you can shake a stick at:

It goes without saying that I love my car. Not only does it fit my personality quite well, offer reliable transportation with decent milage, but its just plain fun...and isn't that what a car should be? I certainly think so. Future mods include Rota Grid wheels, Goodyear Eagle GTs, and possible RAM air. We'll have to think about that one.

2003 EAP SVT "Attila" - ST170 Headlights, Hofele grill, SAP defuser, Clear corners, Taylor 8mm wires, Saleen/Eibach suspension kit, (really) short shift, Ford Racing 5-spokes, Massive front strut bar, Euro-ish rear wiper, shorty antenna, powdercoated valve cover, billet aluminum fuel door, K&N drop-in filter, debadged, Euro HVAC; and then of course me (being a narcissist, I consider this to be the most important mod). Thanks for checking out my ride!