Death By Derby
by Rob Krider
Most car guys love to spend their Saturday mornings polishing their meticulously restored ride in preparation for that weekly cruise to the burger joint on Saturday night. But what do you do when your ride isn’t meticulously restored? What if your car is so ugly that a sixteen year old kid would rather ride his bike to go on a date with a girl than drive your car? The answer is obvious, you crash it. Cue up the destruction derby. Think of it as vehicle euthanasia.
It has been said that in the late 1800s the first American town that had two automobiles in it was the same town that had the first automobile accident. As the popularity of the automobile rose in America, the frequency of car crashes rose as well. We’ve been smashing cars into each other here in the ole US of A for over a hundred years now. Believe it or not, that’s something to celebrate. And for that reason every self respecting town and country fair has a destruction derby.
The destruction derby, smash up derby, or demolition derby as it is sometimes called, is an event where a group of folks get some old American cars, put them in an arena and then run into each other on purpose. Yes, I said, “on purpose.” They crash into each other until there is only one car still running, well, barely still running in most cases. The crowd goes wild as the machines collide, inflicting heavy damage to the cars and bruises to the drivers.
In my driveway was a car so ugly it was just begging for me to pull the plug on it, a 1976 Chrysler Cordoba. For those of you who don’t recall the “sexy” machine that was the Chrysler Cordoba (with its touted Corinthian leather seats) it was the car of choice of elderly women who were looking for classic yet sporty transportation to and from hair appointments and bingo tournaments in the late seventies.
The real challenge for me at the derby would be convincing by brain and my right foot to take a car and hit another one intentionally. From my driver’s training classes when I was fifteen years old all the way to earning my competition racing license the message was always the same: don’t crash. All that carefulness would have to be thrown out the window. The strategy at the destruction derby was to hit, and to hit hard.
Like any car nerd trying to find information, I got online and tried to locate the sanctioning body’s rules and regulations, if there even were any rules when it came to wrecking cars. It turns out there were only two. Rule Number 1: No fighting in the pits. Rule Number 2: No alcohol. This second rule confused me. Statistics indicate that drinking and driving leads to a high number of vehicular collisions. Wasn’t the whole idea of the destruction derby to crash cars into each other? It seemed like drinking should have been more of a mandate as opposed to an offense.
The regulations did mention some brief guidelines on car construction: no glass, weld the doors, put the battery in the interior, no stock gas tanks, add a square cage, and no shoes, no shirt, no derby. Safety isn’t exactly the top priority at these events. So, in order to make sure I didn’t die in the car I enlisted the help of the destruction derby experts at Third Street Auto Repair in Napa, CA.
If you are into any type of car restoration or motorsports and you don’t have a friend who can weld, get one. When I was building the derby car, this guy became the most important person in my life. “Captain” Ron, a veteran derby driver and connoisseur of the drink Captain Morgan’s, was kind enough to spend his Saturdays welding the doors and the cage in my Cordoba, which was a good thing because I don’t know how to solder, let alone weld anything together. And when the "Captain" had too much "Captain" and had to go drain his little "Captain," Rick Jackson (who prefers Corona) stepped up and welded like a mad man. Most importantly he welded our differential solid for good traction in the mud.
For a gas tank I borrowed a steel five gallon tank from my buddy’s bass boat (I didn’t tell him what it was for). The tank fit nicely behind the seat and a couple of chains held it in place. Chains also held down the hood and both bumpers. Even though it was a derby car, I still ran Mobil 1 oil (got to). I added HP 234 oil additive to keep the motor running, even if it lost all the water and synthetic Mobil 1 oil.
Then the most important part of any car project came along: cutting off the exhaust. Nothing in the world sounds cooler than an open exhaust 400 cubic inch motor. After the exhaust was chopped, I just sat in the garage revving the engine, going deaf and smiling. I did this until the cops came.
No, your eyes aren't deceiving you. This is exactly what it looks like. It's a washing machine full of beer. Natty Light beer to be exact. It's the coolest washing machine in the world, no contest. This bad boy helps get Krider Racing projects done. Just watch out for the spin cycle.
Once all the glass was knocked out of the car and we painted the car graffiti style (one rattle can at a time) the only thing left to do was go to a derby. So we rolled the car on the trailer and headed to the California Destruction Derby State Championships at Cal Expo. Believe it or not, building a piece of crap car that you are going to destroy is actually expensive. Our project was running out of money fast. Then Bottlers Unlimited came along and saved the day giving us the cash we needed to get the car finished and entered.
When I showed up to the derby driver’s meeting wearing Nomex underwear for fire protection another competitor told me to go take that “sissy” stuff off. It was just making me a target amongst the other competitors. Looking at the crowd at the driver’s meeting I quickly determined that as far as the world of car guys goes, derby drivers are by far the toughest in the group. I’d take one derby driver on my side over five hot rodders any night in a bar fight.
For my heat eight cars drove into the arena in front of a sold out crowd. Only one could be the winner. The green flag dropped and it was hammer down time. After a few good hits with the rear of my car, it started to fold up like a wet baloney sandwich. So I switched gears (from reverse to first) and decided it was time to start using the front of the car. I went after my competitors’ tires and radiators with a vengeance, driving full throttle all the way across the arena and then barreling into the side of a car, pushing it up against the concrete Jersey barriers. I had no love for my own poor radiator which was displaced rearward into the fan and wrapped around the water pump.
Every impact was serious, hard on the car, and hard on the driver. One head-on hit against a stout Chrysler Imperial sent my helmet into the steering wheel where my vision blacked out for a second and I saw Elvis. My adrenaline was off the charts. Running in a destruction derby is like going into a bullring and kicking the bull in the groin.
When the smoke cleared and the points (for the most hits) were tallied, somehow my Krider Racing Chrysler Cordoba was number one, winning the heat, a trophy and picking up some cash. I also qualified for the main event. The only problem was when I went to drive out of the arena my car was turning permanent left, great for a circle track, not so good for destruction derby. The last hit before the checker did me in as the left frame rail was displaced and was riding the steering. My crew and I tried using a tractor to yank the frame rail away from the steering rod but it wasn’t meant to be.
Looking at the car, I realized it didn’t have anything left. Both bumpers were falling off, the rear axle was barely attached and there was daylight coming into the interior. Once the adrenaline subsided I started to feel the aches and pains of derby driving. Of course, moments later once I had the trophy in my hand I forgot all about the pain.
My job was done. I ended the life of the ugly car in my driveway by putting a bullet through its head at the destruction derby. To me it seemed like a great way for a car to end its life. As opposed to being towed away by the local vehicle abatement program and being crushed in a lonely dirty scrap yard, the Cordoba went out in a blaze of glory and victory in front of a screaming crowd.
You can watch us win our heat below:
Huge Thank You's to: Andrews and Thornley Construction, B&G Tires, Bay Ex, Bottlers Unlimited, C.J. Fix Co., Figstone Graphics, HP 234, Jim Krider for Napa City Council, Napa Valley Muffler, ST Suspensions, Third Street Auto Repair and T.E.M. Machine Shop.
GRASSROOTS MOTORSPORTS RAN A STORY ON OUR DERBY CAR IN THE FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE (PAGE 193)
CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW TO READ STORY
Click here to read about the Derby at Speed Sport Life in Rob's "Racer Boy" blog
Click here to read "The Build" of the car in the Santa Maria Sun.
Click here to read the pre-derby write up in the Napa Register.
Click here to read the post derby victory coverage in the Napa Register.
Click here to read the 2009 Pre-derby round up with interview with Rob Krider.
Click here to read Krider Racing Derby Coverage at Jalopnik.
Click here to read about The 'Doba being #1 on Car Domain (and for helping Natty Light become the official beer of CD).
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