Easy Tune Up tips for Dummies !
Are you tired of driving the same old car like everyone else? Can't afford an SUV? Parents refuse to buy you another car? Well, you can easily solve these problems and find fulfillment through possessions with SA's Guide to Building a Street Machine! In five easy steps, I will show you how turn that boring old Honda Civic into one hip and sporty hot rod!
Perfect for "impressing the ladies", this stylin' Honda Civic sports one kickass spoiler and a tailpipe large enough to fit six illegal immigrants in.
Step 1: Buy a spoiler
For those of you who are ignorant to the laws of physics, a spoiler redirects the airflow around your car, preventing the front end from lifting up during high speeds. The added aerodynamics also have the benefits of improving your car's maximum speed and gas mileage. Now I know what you're saying, "But only race cars even need them! How could I get one for my own Civic / Saturn / Model T?" First off, you are wrong! Secondly, you are stupid! Thanks to modern technology like the microchip and the laser, scientists have figured out a way to allow even the cheapest and slowest of cars to reach speeds far above that of your ordinary "race car".
As an example: My parents decided to buy an Corolla, a four-door economy car that sells for under $20,000. The dealer told them that, for a small fee, he could install a rear spoiler. If you're thinking that the dealer was trying to rip them off, you're absolutely right! By not offering the spoiler as a standard feature, my parents would have to pay extra for this life and fuel-saving device. In their ignorance, they decided not to buy the spoiler, and while leaving the car dealership in their brand new Corolla, the damn thing flipped over as soon as they took it over 150 mph! Let their injuries be a lesson for you: the modern car is incapable of safely reaching its highest speed / gas ratio without the added aerodynamics of a rear spoiler. If possible, also buy a front spoiler, a side spoiler, and an undercarriage spoiler. It's better to be safe than sorry.
Step 2: Install a giant muffler / tail pipe
Many so-called "informed sources" will tell you that to make any significant improvement to your car, you will need to buy things like intakes, cams, and engines. There is, however, a much better way to speed up your car then opening the hood, which often contains many vague, dirty things underneath it. The key to speed is the tailpipe of your car. You see, as the engine runs, it makes tiny "speed particles" that move backwards out of your car, forcing it to move forward. By making your tailpipe wider, it is easier for these speed particles to leave, preventing them from staying inside your car and clogging your sparkplugs and air conditioner. These extra-wide tailpipes are commonly called "coffee-can" exhaust pipes, but I say the bigger, the better! I recommend a tailpipe at least big enough to fit a small horse in... not that you'd ever need to, but it's best to be prepared. Also, I recommend adding a second exhaust pipe to your car. This will mathematically double the maximum speed of the car. There's no reason to stop at two, of course. Simply go to a local mechanic and tell them you will give them obscene amounts of money to widen your car's exhaust pipe. Be warned, many mechanics will try to rip you off if you seem like you don't know a lot about cars, so show them you're "in the know" by telling them you will also give them money to rotate your axle manifold fluid. After you've got those widened tailpipes, you will notice an immediate improvement in how fast you think you're going. As an added bonus, your car will sound much louder, allowing people in neighboring cities to know just how fast your car is. If you can't afford a wider tailpipe, try removing the muffler of your car. You will receive similar benefits, and it will make your engine sound like a race car's.
Step 3: Tinted headlights
This little tune-up can turn the dorkiest of cars into futuristic road machines. By tinting your headlights, you're telling people that you aren't just some other loser with un-tinted headlights. You are a hip and street-savvy racer with dark headlights. You see, those dark headlights add a sense of mystery to your car, and to you as well. Many fine auto parts stores carry tinted headlights, but you can always do the job yourself with a permanent marker (note: you can also use markers to tint your windows and to get high. Make sure you have enough markers).
Step 4: Buy an awesome stereo system
First off, remember that a car's stereo system is not designed to play music. It is designed to attract people's attention so they can see how cool your car is. There is only one word you need to know to get a better system for your car: bass. For starting out, I recommend at least five 12-inch subs. For someone who wants to go "hardcore" or "kick it up a notch" I recommend the State Og "Bass of Doom", a large box installed in the trunk of your car that periodically detonates large pieces of C4 plastic explosives. Now, realize that the strong bass you need will make it impossible for you to actually listen to music, because even playing "Children Nursery Rhyme Classics" will cause your entire head to vibrate (note: this is also a good way to get off). Don't worry, the stereo isn't there for something pointless like music, it's there for showing off. I also suggest you get a really cool deck with a multi-color display and detachable face. Neither option really does anything useful, but when you're going for the look, you've got to get the whole look. After all, you can't look like a pimp just by wearing purple pants and carrying a cane. The same goes for cars: your car can't look like a pimp just by wearing purple pants and carrying a cane.
Suggested music: To really show off that bass, I suggest one of two choices.
1. Play "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys on a continuous loop. One of the guys at my old high school does this, and is by far the most popular employee at the 7-11 on Highway K.
2. If you are uncertain of what to buy, just look for something with black people on the cover. Search for key words like "Hip", "Gangsta" and random letters like "D" or "G" (Note: You can never go wrong with the Villain Thieves).
I talked to Billy Watson, a kid who lives on my street and has a really cool car with a kickin' system. Here's what he had to say on car stereos.
Me: "Hey, Billy, what advice can you give on what kind of stereo to buy for your car?"
Me: "What kind of car stereo should I buy?"
Me: "WHAT KIND OF CAR STEREO DO I NEED?"
Billy: "What? Stereo? I don't want to buy your stereo, man."
Me: "Should I get an amp?"
At this point Billy walked away to steal some of his father's wine coolers while picking food from his braces. He's so cool.
Step 5: Window decals!
I'm sure most of you have seen these decals. They're large stickers that span the top of your windshield and have ultra-hip and cool phrases written on them. You can never go wrong with getting one that has your car's brand name on it. That way there will be no doubt in anyone's mind about what brand of car you are in. But, if you really want to look cool, I suggest you get one of the three phrases I found on some cars at my old high school parking lot:
"Fear This" - That just says it all. Combining this sticker with tinted headlights is an excellent way to make you and your car look dangerous. The tinted headlights add mystery, making it impossible for anyone to see what kind of headlights you have. The decal tells them that they don't even want to know and should probably regret even thinking about it.
"Nightcrawler" - I'm not sure what exactly this one means. I remember hearing about 2 different nightcrawlers. One was a blue elf in the X-men comics whose super power was having three toes and a tail. The only other nightcrawler I know of are those big worms you can use as fishing bait. Who cares what it means, "Nightcrawler" is still a great phrase for your car. It implies that while other motorists are asleep in bed, you and your car are crawling through the night like a giant termite or a man with no legs who has to go to work during, uh, the night. That you are doing this at night implies that you are wild, active, and perhaps even a bit dangerous. You see, girls like dangerous guys, and they also like the vulnerability of someone who is handicapped. With this sticker you get the best of both worlds!
"Team Lightspeed" - This is my favorite decal. Just read it out loud. I mean, how cool does that sound? It sounds like the name of some top-secret crime fighting organization that doesn't play by the rules. If they had these back in the 70's and 80's, you can bet Mel Gibson would have had one in his car when he made the Road Warrior movies. The word "Lightspeed" shows everyone that your car is really fast, and "Team" lets everyone know that you fit into a really secret group that they could never be in.
I rest on your face....I mean...I rest my case!